you're disgusting

One of the people who, in my mind, deeply disgusts me had contacted me recently. One of those semi-sincere-sounding letters of apologetic words. It's actually been months since I've read it. As one of my best friends tells me, "There's no bridge to be made between you two. There's no longer a connection, so it'll be pointless." It's true. There's no longer a bond that would hold us together even if we tried. It's been nearly four years anniversary of that ridiculous fight; started by you I might add. I don't understand. Expectations from me to take you back after four years. I waited for that and now it's probably not even sincere anymore. I remember sophemore year you told my boyfriend that you 'hate being hated by someone.' How disgustingly selfish of you. I have many people who dislike me and I don't give a fuck about them. They're trash to me, really. I don't need those people in my life and I don't need you especially. Also, talking behind my back after I've forgotten you just to fuel my boiling blood. So that I'll give you a penny's worth of acknowledgement towards you. Ha. You really DO belong in that drama department. It's quite an obvious placement for you. Now stay there and stay away from me. You might get some sort of disease on me or something. And that fight we had over text? I heard you couldn't stand my wise remarks; they tortured you because you knew what you did was wrong. Using your own "oh-so-terribly-miserable" life as grand ticket to try and ruin my life. Okay. Man, I dropped my coffee, I think I should go ruin somebodies life now. WOOP. You're disgusting.

--

I fear the day I'll be separated from my bestfriend. My lover, my half, my trust. It sucks when you're literally waiting for the day where it'll be hard without them around all the time like you're use to. I become too attached when it comes to love. I don't like talking about college because that's the big event. That's the moment. There's a 1/10 chance that we'll be together for that time period. I want the best for my bestfriend. He wants to become a molecular biologist while I want to be a video editor or graphic designer. They're so different and far apart. I'm being really fucking sappy right now but that's just it. I can't help it. Not everybody understands me. It's almost like torture; our grip is at our very finger tips and once we step on that stage, it'll be likely we'd only see each other once every few months. I fear.. What if he falls in love with someone who has more interest in what he likes? Like cars, biotechnology, and music? What if he falls out of love with me? I'm so attached to him I don't think I could ever fall out of love with him..but I fear the day when he'll forget about me. I believe him and trust him but no matter what-- because of my past experiences with "love".. I can't stop this fear.

abuse the mind

It's been quite some time since I've felt like writing on this shit-board-of-emotions. I'm about to become a senior in high school. Amazing, I know. I'm also turning (technically) legal in December. Like hell; who even follows those kinds of rules anymore? My boyfriend and I went down to the Castro today and geeked out on American comic books; DC, Marvel, etc. Being a little cartoon "hipster", I chose the first comic of Marceline (Adventure Time)out of every amazing comic in there. Whatever-- It's literally in it's packaging still and hung up on my fire-hazard wall of photos.

Sometimes I imagine myself burning to ashes in my room since almost every inch is covered in either paper, christmas lights, or plastic flowers. It feels like I'm in a jungle. I call it "Beautifully Unorganized". Pfft. Artists- what are you going to do with them?

Lately I've been bumming around the internet; mainly Tumblr. I find funny shit and just reblog like crazy just to avoid doing my summer homework.

By the way, I got into all my APs that I signed up for. Of course being a shit school scared of getting low-ass scores, they limit EVERYONE to two AP courses. All the geniuses are pissed off. Well, I decided to take Goverment and Art Studio. On top of that, I got into Biotech 3/4. God. More fruit fly murders to come. Last year in Bioteach 1/2 we had to breed fruit flies, knock them out with gases, and observe them twitching underneath a microscope. I'm so lucky that I had to do the assignment myself because my shit partner decided to show up like one time a week. Oh, well. Apparently only 'smart' (HA, im smart. not.) students get into biotech 3/4. I'll probably die since lab notebooks are to be perfect and I tend to skim over stuff too quickly plus I haven't taken any sort of Chemistry class yet.

--- random thoughts to write down because when I come back i'll want to realize how much of a dumbass I was as a young adult.

* I've been having the recent thoughts of my close friends punching me in the jaw. I don't know why. I just want somebody to tell me I'm wrong or how stupid I am and try to act all big against me. I want to taunt them with my cruel words that I keep to myself until they punch me. On the floor I'll keep taunting till I'm beaten to a pulp or until I die. I just want to feel pain on the outside rather than the inside all the time. Maybe a good punch in the stomach would help; like the one I had received in elementary school-- It was literally one of those punches that knocked the air out of you and you can't breath for seconds like you're about to die. It was delivered by a tiny boy who is now a very tall and close friend. Back then my friends and I would always play 'gang' sorts of games where it was girls vs. boys and something went terribly wrong when you were the leader of those games bestfriend. One thing I could really remember during that time was that bitch-ass adult monitor that was literally sitting right next to me when I was gasping for air, saying I couldn't breath and that boy punched me in the stomach. She didn't do anything but watch me. A stranger; an upper classman was the one who noticed and helped me over to the nurse. Nobody told the nurse what had really happened; not even I. I acted too nice and said "I got hit with a kickball in the stomach". Still, the little boy was found and he stood at the door looking away from me and apologized. I thought I'd hate him forever for that, but we turned out good friends by the time we hit high school. Funny, that same day my younger sister had actually gotten hit with a kickball and we ended up in the nurses office together. My dad came in and asked why both of us were in there and dragged us home. I got really off track with that story, but yeah. I would like to see what would happen if a close friend beat the shit out of me. I think I deserve it for hiding my true self. The inside of me is sadistic, cynical, suicidal, cruel, and terrifying. Everyday is like putting on a mask (even if it sounds cliche). I'm smiling behind something so obviously fake. It seems like now I'm slowly decaying from the inside out and turning into complete nothingness. I'd probably never be able to show this to anybody. Nobody can stop my core from rotting away behind this fake veil. emo shit. heh.

}

Freakin' blast to the past. (The past where I was not even alive yet.)

Cyber Hiiiiiiiigh.

I hate my math teacher. I'm so glad she's going to be fired next year. Bitch can't teach for shit. I swear, every single fucking day she plays the favorites game. If I'm not sitting with the geniuses in the class, she'd check my homework. Here's an example: There a corner of students she give full credit to for homework without looking at their papers while I'm on the fucking other end and she decides, out of all the other students, to check mine. If she spots ONE problem wrong, she won't give me credit. I SWEAR IT'S BECAUSE I'M FUCKING TAN. The other week, she glanced at my classwork and gave me full credit and just as I'm about to skip off all happy, she says, "WAIT. NO. Never mind give it back. You have one wrong. I'm taking off credit. You can't leave for lunch until you finish." I was totally fed up. I just packed up when she was watching me and left like that. MAN. What's with all the fucking math teachers at my school being total piss offs. The only decent teacher would be the most wanted class so it'd be full by the week of the school year. AUGDSLKHGLKSDJFLDSJFLKJ. It's the only fucking class I have tomorrow for an hour and a half. I swear, I'm going to fucking flip a table like a little bitch and scream out at the top of my lungs. I don't even get HALF credit for all of my work. ONEEEEE PROBLEM WRONG AND NO CREDIT. WATABITCH.

Anyways, milktea from iCreation. I'm starting to grow fat from this wonderful concoction. My boyfriend says I'm an addict; it's completely true. I'm also addicted to Google+. It's odd, but I can only concentrate on homework when I hear friends..

COLLEGE. Fucking shit. So, I've been thinking about my major and my backup. I want to try film-making and graphic arts. When I mean graphic arts, I mean like interface design and original stuff. I'm horrible at recreating things. I want to try film-making since I've been doing videos as hobbies and I'm not completely terrible at photography/filming. Apparently city college here has a graphic design program that is the equal to Academy of Arts Institute. I'm still deciding since city is a bitch to get classes, but if all else fails, I'll go to a junior college to at least get my basics done then transfer to a state. I'm too retarded to go to a UC.

A few people have been talking about this one chick that goes to my school who actually got into Harvard. It's pretty amazing since she's going to MY school. I mean, my school is full of idiots. The majority are idiots anyway. That includes me. I've also seen her art studio work around the school; it makes me feel unaccomplished in life. LOL. She's amazing and I'd probably go full on lesbian for her if I wasn't dating a dude.

Oh, I'm bi. It's not like people will see this, but my future self will look back on this and be like, "Yeah, those were the days." Well, I know for sure that I'm bisexual, it's just that most of the women here are complete back-stabbers or are too straight for me to attack. Guys tend to be nice, especially the one I'm in love with. Girls here are so bad that I'm willing to trust boys I just became friends with with my secrets and they'd actually keep them. It's like, wow it's not that hard, ladies. I know I tell others secrets about other people, but I only tell one person and he's the most trustworthy person on earth.

One more thing-- My friend and I got into a tiff. Oh, gosh. We were working on this flier I couldn't work on due to CyberHigh. I was basically drawing the bracelet we were selling on the flier and then she sorta snapped at how we were building it. There weren't beads on the bracelet or whatever. I said there wasn't anything to support the rest of the bracelet if we didn't have beads. Then we got into a sort of argument about the elastic string. aha. I was asking if she meant the white elastic that you'd find on cheap bracelets or the clear elastic that you'd find on friendship bracelets. Then she said something about black elastic and I had to think about it. I guess she got confused when I mentioned that and kept saying how I wanted to white elastic.. but I didn't so I got mad and said "I didn't say shit!" Then she said she didn't care how things turned out when she planned the whole thing. That's when I got fed up and just stopped talking because our 'fun hawaiian club' suddenly turned into a priority and job. I get upset with that stuff since clubs are suppose to be fun, not all AUGSDLKHFSKD. So, yeah. We're still in a fight though.

ADIOS. Tomorrow is a new day. Unit 9 of my Cyber High testing. Wish me luck, me.

*

Ughh. I don't even know what I've been doing lately. I'm going to become a stupid hobo that eats their artwork. Total SB reference there. Anyway, I'm doing more CyberHigh shit and slowly dying out. I'm going to Daiso and get some art supplies tomorrow. There's no way in hell I'm going to J-town though; Cherry Blossom festival is crowding up those garage parking spaces. Damn wonderful cosplayers.

I'd cosplay if I weren't so ugly and tan. I guess the only good thing about my skin tone is that I get complements from the beautiful porcelain people like Edward Cullen. I'm the perfect shade of caramel right now, but when I go to Hawaii, I'll turn into a piece of burnt toast. I always do when I visit hot and sunny places like Florida or Hawaii. Luckily for me, golden state weather turns me a little lighter or I just start peeling like a banana until I'm caramel again.

I just disconnected from Google + from wanting to write on this dumbass blog. I guess I'm crazy and just like to write to myself. It's all good though. I've never felt like blowing up on my friends for no reason anymore because of this. Well, speaking of 'porcelain', I'm going to try and buy materials to make air-dry cold porcelain clay tomorrow. Hopefully Elmer's Glue will be cheap and I can just buy a shit-load for personal uses. I assume I used the wrong amount of corn starch since my first attempted batch turned out a total dry bitch.

Mom's birthday is coming up in a few days; I made her a cute clay chibi charm for whatever use. I'm not the type to find amazing gifts for family and friends. I'm terrible at that. Tomorrow, well, ten minutes from now, it'll be Jolie's birthday. Man, it's been forever since we've talked or hung out. I guess that's okay..I mean I have terrible relationships with my 'middle school friends'. It's understandable. I was a terrible person and I still am, it's just that I don't like talking to them. Jolie is an acception, but it seems like she doesn't like me anymore anyways. It's cool. I know I was a total bitch and inconsiderate of peoples' feelings back then. I still am and all, but I tried really hard to get rid of those habits and part of me.

My newer friends don't believe I would act like that even when I told them how I use to be. It's sort of terrible. I've changed so much to the point where it's like I'm a completely new person. I can't tell if I've changed and left people behind for the better. Maybe it is for the better. Oh, well. I don't even care anymore. I like the people in my life today. Everything will heal in time. <3

/

Back when I sat in that auditorium
And shed tears to the sound of music,
I realized how much I hated that place.
I hated every single thing about it;
The people, the emotions, the sound.
Everything.

As my tears fell, I knew it. I just did.
Everything for me was over.
It was all over for me.
Goodbye old friends.
We'll be enemies forevermore.
Goodbye.

Goodbye break.

Today was rather interesting. I guess you can say I slept with my boyfriend today. HA. Not. We played SmashBros. Brawl and I owned (for once) four times. I was so excited that I used up my energy screaming and kicking. We sat out in the livingroom on the big reclining seat; I was on his lap dozing off while he watched TopGear (funny BBC shit) and I believe he kept asking if I wanted to go sleep in my room instead, but I just kept drooling on him. I'm so romantic and sexy you have no clue. Well, I finally woke up and we went to my room and just napped. He drooled in my hair and clinged to me the whole time, so it was too hot for me to actually sleep. So, I guess you can say it was just him sleeping and snoring on me while I stared at the ceiling for an hour.

I'm suppose to be doing my Cyber High stuff right now, which is technically useless and a complete waste of $87 because I'm not even going into a State right away. Well, I have no choice but to finish it because either way, I'm not getting my money back since I'm making up a D. I shall chug down this British-style tea, finish up some clay charms, then start up a Google + with my friends and start working on that stuff.

Ah, only eight more days till cyberhigh test 2/5. =____=

OH, Prom is coming up in a few months. I'm rather excited because we get to go to the Academy of Science. I think it'll be super romantic since the exhibits are rumored to be open that night. I love the aquarium sections, they're nearly pitch-black and have a slight dark blue tint from the water. Just ooooneeee kiss in there, please. This shit is coming from a girl who barely has a romantic bone in her body, so yeah. That's saying something.

Anyways, bye. I needa work even though I probably will end up procrastinating more. <3

I really need to pee right now

Hey You (remix) - Pony Pony Run Pony

Forever replaying this thing.

I'm currently trying to work on my anime-styled artwork. Recently I've been working on one of my old styles which was something like Toki Doki smashed together with graffiti. Well, this is known in the art world as Cartoon Graffiti and I'm definitely not the first to do this style. Once my sister's birthday passes, I'll post up my most successful piece of 2012. Hahah. Technically it's my only piece of graffiti this year. I plan on trying REAL graffiti art when I have time, but this year is dedicated to my "fine art", cartoon graffiti, and anime.

I'm really rusty on all of my styles due to constant video-gaming and school. I'm really struggling this year for some reason. I guess I've really breezed my way through high school so this must be something I have to get use to again.

Right now I have no homework, well, not until tomorrow at least. I'm a procrastinator so my friends and I webcam and get it all done together. I have to take Cyber high because I'm a retard. I have to find the textbook for my unit since my course is the most unlikely to take over again. I'm only polishing and remaking grades due to my retarded-ass teacher who decided to leave the whole year then give everybody Fs when she got back. She and my current math teacher can fuck off. We didn't have to spend most of the year learning about fair trade chocolate, dumbass bitch!

Anyway, I'm training myself to watercolor until I can afford proper classes. Wish me luck and such. Good day.

art and shit

LAZY WITHOUT ART-BLOCKS.

I have billions of ideas, but I'm lazy. Go figure.

Watching Panty and Stocking over again. Sighh. I spent 32 bucks on a fortunes worth of art supplies. Thank goodness for my Asian-ness and coupons. I'm cool. 20% cooler than everybody. Digital art time. faaaaak. Tired. Grammar sucks more than usual today. piss. shit. mother santa.

fak

If you didn't know already, I've been obsessed with MLP:FiM along with the other Deviants. I've been trying to convert my friends into "Bronies" as well so I don't feel like a total weirdo. (None of my friends are Deviants.) Aha. Anyway, I found this HUB commercial that seemed great to me. Well, all MLP commercials on the HUB are pretty epic anyway. (like the ipony commercial)


I need to make up two Ds in Cyber high this year. Easy stuff, but then I have to look towards my SAT and future AP art studio finals (two years from now but very difficult). I'm also digging up information on some colleges and such before college. Everybody except my mom keeps telling me that going to city is going to be a waste of time since it takes four years to get out and it's difficult to get classes. I'm so nervous about my future.

Art is also the most difficult way to get money unless you're really good or famous. (or dead and famous..) I'm already going to try and put my art on products and attempt to sell them. I'm told that I make really cute stuff which attracts a lot of "otakus" and asians. LOL. Abuse of adorable work. Well, I'm also working on my c-graffiti so I can sell prints. ALSO I've been working on my watercolors for fun and digital to start commissions for extra money. Hopefully my laziness will disappear for the sake of my college money and food. FFFS.